


Graceless

by stardustandangels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, F/M, Fluff, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, Hints of Mental Illness, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:59:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5646532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustandangels/pseuds/stardustandangels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and the reader used to date, until she started spouting craziness talking about, "they say you’re the righteous man." "They never shut up about you, Sam, Michael, and Lucifer." Dean has had enough and next thing she knows she’s in a mental asylum for the insane. Years later, when the boys meet Anna, Dean remembers the reader and feels guilty for not believing her in her graceless state. He decides that he owes her enough to bust her out and give her the grace back after all this time. <br/>After all this time Dean realizes that he has done a terrible mistake. </p><p>But can Sam and Castiel help the reader forgive Dean for years of sitting in an isolated room?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Graceless

Dean had promised you a weekend at a little secluded cabin in the woods, just one weekend and just for the two of you. You had been looking forward to a little alone time with your boyfriend for weeks. 

Even though you found out pretty early that Dean had made a deal with a demon. He had only one year left to live, and you couldn't get over the fact that Dean was going to die so soon. 

You were determined to enjoy every second you could spend with him and this was the perfect occasion. The two of you were taking a weekend off and enjoy yourselves. 

 

It had not been long after you learned about Dean's deal that you started hearing voices. Sometimes they were just random chatter, not understandable orders. Sometimes the voices were warning you from upcoming events. Maybe not talking to you directly, but it felt like it, Dean had looked horrified when you told him that they were also talking about him. "They say you're the righteous man, Dean."

"Shut it, Y/N. This is absolute bullshit. Stop talking about that." Dean had been angry and you had carefully held back everything the voices were talking about him or Sam, or some weirdos named Michael and Lucifer. Lucifer like the devil?

You couldn't really make sense of any of it.

You were worried that you were slowly growing insane, but as fast as the voices took you over, they disappeared again and everything went back to normal after mere seconds.

"Don't you dare leave me here!" You had expected a cabin in the woods when Dean spoke of a "surprise", but this was neither cabin nor woods.

This is where he took you instead. A mental health institution. 

Dean had three months left on earth before going to hell and he was going to leave you here? Alone, with nothing but some strangers that understood nothing of your world to keep you company?

Sharing that you were hearing voices had been a mistake. Dean and Sam had looked worried when you told them, but you knew that there was nothing they could do about it.

You had tried to shove the fact to the back of your head, that Dean made a deal with a demon and would be going to hell in less than three months. At least enjoy the time you had left with your boyfriend. 

Dean hadn't told you anything about his deal, but you knew anyway. It was getting harder every day not to let his charade fool you. You also put back your own struggles with the voices in your head and focused solely on Dean.

You were not going mad, the voices were simply a phenomenon of this incredibly stressful situation.

Dean seemed to think otherwise now that he was checking you into a mental hospital to "keep you safe". But the worst thing was that no one seemed to believe you. You couldn't do anything. You've never felt more helpless in your entire life.

"Don't you –" your voice broke and you couldn't manage to finish your sentence as Dean had already turned away and he was in the middle of walking away. 

He was abandoning you in a mental hospital. That hurt even more than him walking out of your life, just because he didn't want you anymore.

He thought you were truly gone mad by now, he had been your tiny ray of hope in between the times when the voices took over. 

* * *

"Sorry, miss. Why don't you come with me?" A friendly looking lady pulled you away from Dean. He didn't show any emotion, just looked into your direction, but not directly at you with a blank stare on his face.

"Dean!" You shouted but the lady had already pulled you through a white door and sat you down in a room where a man in a white coat was waiting for you.

"Hello, Y/N. Welcome." He had a smooth voice and it managed to soothe you, even though you wanted nothing more to cry, kick and scream. 

You fell down in a plush chair and buried your face in your hands.

"You want to talk about it?"

Reluctantly you looked up at the doctor. "Can you let me go?"

"Unfortunately we can only release you when we are sure that you are sane enough that you can take care of yourself, Miss Y/N. Or your assigned guardian signs you out and takes care of you or transfers you to another clinic."

"So basically, I have no rights."

"For the moment you have none, I am sorry. I understand that this is going to be difficult for you."

"Understatement." You rolled your eyes and the doctor chuckled lightly. 

"We'll make all sure, you feel at home here."

* * *

Enough said, they didn't succeed. They didn't know what to make of your visions, the voices in your head, the flashes of imagery that you saw occasionally. None of your symptoms matched any mental illness. 

They got you to participate in various experimental procedures, but none of them ever worked. They were sometimes hurting you, but the medication that followed, the one that slowed down your thoughts and made your mind numb was worse.

* * *

You were so lonely, you were alone with yourself and with the voices in your head that kept talking to you, but they never answered when you called out to them. You were just grateful for the night to come, because your nightmares were not half as bad as the things that the voices talked about when you were awake.

Sometimes time flew and sometimes it went by so slowly that it was torture. You didn't know what day of the week it was when you first heard it. Loud and clear: "Dean Winchester is saved." Over and over again. 

You didn't know what exactly was going on, but it triggered a whole lot of memories from your time with Dean. You cried every time when you heard that message, but the tears only left you empty and hollow.

You got better at blocking the voices, not giving in to the temptation to listen and slowly you got a little better.

But you heard that voice again, the deep rumble that you first heard loud and clear: "Dean Winchester is saved." You could never forget that voice. Not in a lifetime. 

That voice always gave you the worst setbacks and the first few times you heard it, you were almost as worse as the first time. Eventually you would get over that, too. As you would get over Dean Winchester and you would get better. 

You would get over him, but you would never forget him and you would never forgive him.

* * *

Karen, your favourite nurse, came to get you one day. You had visitors. 

You didn't know exactly what day it was. You lost count long ago and you had never felt the urge to know how long you had been in this hell-hole. You followed her through a long white corridor to a room where other patients had gone to regularly, to see their families. 

No one ever came to visit you. Visitors could mean a good thing, but your gut feeling told you that you should expect the worst.

The nurse opened the door and you stepped shyly over the threshold. Your eyes had to adjust a little to the bright sunlight. 

Three men stood with the back to you, talking silently that you weren't able to make out a single word they were saying.

The silhouette of the man standing in between the other two was painfully familiar. "Dean?" Your voice was hoarse and it managed to break on a one-syllable word. 

The man shot around and now you were sure, this was Dean, but what was he doing here? You haven't seen or heard from him in years. 

"Heya, Y/N."

You didn't tell Dean 'hello'. "Hello Sam and hello –" you just realized that you didn't even know the name of the third man.

"Castiel." He completed your sentence. "It's nice to finally meet you, Y/N."

"I wish I could say the same, but I've had no connection to the outside world in the last – what's the date today?"

"Three years, it has been three years." Sam helped you out. "Hello Y/N. It's good to see you."

"You too, Sam." You smiled faintly at him, the smile not reaching your eyes. "Why are you here?" That was the question that had been burning on your tongue since they first got here, it was nice to let it out. 

"We met a girl a little over a two years ago, who had almost the same symptoms as you did. Talking about the oncoming apocalypse. Turns out she was a fallen angel and could hear the other angels talking."

"So there's not only demons, but also angels out there?"  You hid your face behind your hands. "And I'm supposed to be a fallen angel?"

"Yes." Castiel said with great seriousness.

"We've come to get you released, Y/N." Dean said. It were actually his first words directed at you this whole time.

Your face fell. They were just going to release you and then leave you again, now that they knew you weren't actually crazy.

* * *

Anger started to bubble up in your gut.

"Did it ever occur to you, not even once, to ask me if I actually want that?" You were getting more and more into a raging fit. "Not the release thing-y now, but in general." Dean opened his mouth, but you shut him up immediately. You didn't want to hear any of his excuses. Nothing about, how he only wanted the best for you. 

"I. Am. Talking. The one thing you could do for me right now, is to keep your mouth shut."

Dean flinched. "I don't want to hear any of it. How you only wanted what's best for me. The hell you know what's best for me. The last few years were hell for me."

You took a breath. "And I know it's not the same as the hell you had to endure. But I know everything about it. I had visions about you, every time reminding me again and again, how we parted." 

You took a tiny step towards Dean, his eyes following your every move. You squared your shoulders and bit your teeth together, gathering the strength for your next move. "I am leaving this institution, because I'm not crazy. You have betrayed my trust. I can't even stand to look at you anymore, and I hope to never see you again." 

Looking at Dean was painful and when his face fell your stomach turned. You squeezed past Dean and slipped out of the room, finally escaping your prison. 

* * *

You didn't get very far until a hand on your arm made you stop and turn back around. "Y/N, wait." Sam's quiet voice cut through your heart and you looked up at him reluctantly. 

"What is it, Sam?" You asked softly, waiting patiently for an answer. Patience was an art you had perfected a long time ago. What else to do with your time than being patient, waiting for something to happen. Anything, good or bad, it didn't matter. 

"Please, Y/N, don't go."

"And why wouldn't I? Give me one good reason." You demanded. Sam looked desperate. "Dean is beating himself up over this for months now. And after what happened with Anna –"

"Anna was the graceless angel, right?"

"Yes. After he heard how similar her visions and voices were to yours, we made the connection."

"He still slept with her, didn't he? Even after –" You thought not talking about it would make it less real, but you couldn't have been more wrong. 

* * *

And all this time that Dean had known, he had done nothing. Until now, but now was too late. 

"You can't leave, Y/N. Please." Sam gave you his best puppy dog eyes, but you couldn't be affected by it. You just couldn't. You had to put all your resolve together to not come running back to Dean.

"Y/N, please. Dean needs you." Your head whipped around at Sam's pleading voice. The anger bubbled up in you once again.

"And now what? So you say he needs me? Why doesn't he tell me himself? He is a grown man, you shouldn't make amends for him. He should come to me and make them himself!"

"How can he, if you won't even see him." Sam easily picked out the flaw in your logic.

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm done here."

* * *

"You can't leave. You are so selfish and petty. We need you. Not only Dean, I need you, too. " Sam spat. With a more quiet voice he added: "I missed you so much, Y/N, please don't go. Now that we found you again."

You didn't want to hear those words that would eventually make you stay. You wanted to stay angry. Anger was so much easier to manage than grief. "And what if I am? Who says what I can do and what I can't? Watch me." With these words you turned around and stomped through the door, leaving Sam – and Dean – behind. Your heart hurt at the thought of leaving them, but Dean's betrayal, even if it was years ago, still hurt worse.

 

You stopped about two streets away from the mental hospital, realizing that you didn't have a plan and no place to go.

You were a fallen angel, but without your grace you were human and this knowledge next to useless. You were already about to give up and just go back when you heard the familiar gruff voice of Castiel behind you. 

"Hello, Y/N." You spun around a little too fast and you lost your balance. You would have fallen if Castiel hadn't been there to catch you. 

"Hi, uhm, Castiel." You greeted him while he steadied you. "Thank you."

Castiel just smiled at you fondly, which you didn't understand. You were two complete strangers. 

"I remember you, Y/N. From before you fell." You didn't know what to say, so you just stayed quiet and let him continue. 

"I thought you might need some help getting your grace back. You do want your grace back, do you, Y/N?"

You went uneasy under Castiel's intense stare, but you already had made up your mind. "I think so, yes. I need a change now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm a hundred percent certain."

* * *

Your grace was located in an inactive volcano somewhere in the south of Europe. Castiel flew you there and he was with you every step of the way to becoming an angel once again. 

You inhaled your grace and spread your wings eagerly. Every colour was more brilliant and everything was sharper, you had never realized how being human dulled things down. 

Castiel took you to heaven, to your home and you saw all your brothers and sisters again. 

 

Castiel had to leave again eventually as Dean and Sam required his assistance on a case. He hugged you goodbye.

"Go easy on Dean, Y/N, he has been through so much. He has suffered enough. Just give him the chance to at least talk to you. Just listen to him, sister. Would you do that, Y/N?"

You were not completely convinced. But Castiel's words never left your mind.

* * *

For days you had ignored Dean's frequent prayers. It had been quite a difficult task, as Dean was very persistent in his prayers. But you needed your head sorted out before you felt ready to answer his prayers and talk to him in person. 

But this one was different, Dean sounded defeated. 

_"Y/N, I know you don't want to talk to me. You probably hate me now... I can't apologize for what I did, I see that now... I know I don't deserve – "_

"Dean." You appeared behind him and Dean almost fell from his chair when he saw you. 

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I should have –" He sounded so desperate to be heard, but you couldn't let him speak just yet. 

"Dean, I want you to listen for just a moment. I've got a few things to say to you, too. Then you may speak." It was selfish of you to shut him up so rudely. But you had some important things to say, too.

"Is that acceptable for you, Dean?" You asked and stepped a little closer to him. Dean just nodded at your request, rendered speechless. Dean's posture went rigid and you didn't need your angel powers to know that he was frightened. 

"Dean, you don't need to be afraid. It's not all bad things, you know?" Dean gave you the faintest hint of a nod, so you decided that it was okay for you to continue. 

"Don't you ever think that you deserve all the bad things that fate has inflicted on you. You don't. You deserve the good things and only the good things. You are a good man, Dean Winchester. You carry too much weight on your shoulders and I know now that you felt like you didn't have a choice. That there was only one option to resolve this situation with me going borderline crazy and hearing voices. You always have a choice, whether you see it or not. You'll always have people looking out for you. Sam, Castiel, me. You just have to let us in at some point. Otherwise we can't help. I know it's hard for you to accept that you'll eventually need help. We don't judge and we care about you. Try to accept that. Together we're stronger than everyone on their own." You took a deep breath to get yourself together again.  "My problems and my fears all seem so insignificant, now that I get the bigger picture. You know, Dean, you can't undo what you've done. I can't forget it either. However, I decided that it's time to grow and be a bigger person than before and listen to you and try to forgive you one day. I know you had your reasons to do what you did and I'd like to know and try to understand."

 

"Y/N," Dean began, but then cleared his throat before starting a new attempt at talking. "Y/N, I want you to know that leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've regretted it ever since, hell, I still do. I am so sorry. I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I didn't look farther to find another solution, I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

You felt the sudden urge to comfort him. You stepped forward into Dean's personal space and placed your hand on his cheek. 

"It's okay, Dean. Tell me." He closed his eyes and leaned into your touch. "It will be easier when you tell someone. So please, start with telling me."

"I was going to leave you anyway, I was going to die. I wished I had more time with you. I couldn't leave you alone. I thought you'd be safer that way, safe from every creature, every demon walking the earth. I guess, I couldn't have been more wrong." He swallowed hard. "I couldn't protect you when I was going to die, going to hell. And you were slowly going mad. I didn't know what to do. I'm so sorry, Y/N."

"Hey, it's going to be alright." You had almost completely forgotten why you were here and now your number one concern was Dean's well-being.

"I'm sorry for being so bad at explaining this."

"I think I understand," you said. It was irrational, you knew, but you wanted to forgive Dean, you wanted everything to be okay between the two of you. You wanted your friend back. Dean pulled you into a tight hug, resting his chin on the top of your head. 

* * *

**Six months later**

You had decided to stick with the Winchesters, mostly it was just you against the rest of the world.  You had become a part of their team again, you liked that very much. You and Dean had managed to finally sort your shit out and give this whole couple ordeal another try. 

Today would be your first official date and you thought it was rather nice to start from the top again. Start to get to know each other now and not just continue where you've left off. 

"Y/N? Are you coming?" Dean's voice ripped you from your thoughts. "I've got dinner ready."

Dean had insisted he'd cook for your first date and who would you be to refuse him?

 

You tapped down the stairs silently and pried around the corner of the hallway that lead to the kitchen. "Spaghetti with meatballs?" You asked curiously when you made your way towards Dean. 

"How are you reading my mind?" Spaghetti was one of the things you considered good food, even though you were now an angel and most things only tasted like molecules for you now. 

 

You even kissed over one noodle like in the film Lady and the Tramp. Dean said it was so cliché it made his head hurt, but you loved it. And you couldn't care less, because kissing Dean was always the most intense and exciting thing you've ever experienced. It made your stomach flutter in only the best way. His lips were soft and smooth on yours and you thought that this wasn't something you could get used to in a thousand years. It was addicting.

You didn't ever want to let him go again.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me kudos and a comment to tell me what you think!


End file.
